


You hold your child as tight as you can

by imperial_queen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, I have no idea how to explain this, I made a tiny change in CoS, Starts in CoS, but nothing else, canon-compliant for the most part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 09:52:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13233255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imperial_queen/pseuds/imperial_queen
Summary: A mother send her daughter off to Hogwarts in September 1992, knowing that letters are the only way they can contact each other. But Hogwarts has changed, and Hogwarts is different, and shadows lurk every year, shadows that create fear and doubt as a mother reads the letters her daughter sends. Each time they see each other, she holds her daughter tighter, almost too scared to let her return.





	You hold your child as tight as you can

**Author's Note:**

> The title yet again comes from Hamilton. 
> 
> Apart from the intentional vagueness surrounding our characters, there's not much to say here. I did write the first draft of this all in one night two years ago though, and it hasn't changed that much. And I only typed it up yesterday. 
> 
> Please enjoy, and leave a comment!

Letters arrive every week, telling tales of adventures and magic lessons and  _ I miss you, Mother _ . These letters are filled with happiness, with tales of new friends and terrifying teachers, of successes in lessons and failures in Quidditch. She sends replies, reassurances that it doesn’t matter that her daughter is not good at Quidditch,  _ You are good at other things, sweetheart, don’t let it upset you _ . 

 

After Halloween, the letters change,  _ I miss you _ has become  _ I’m scared _ and she can’t do anything, she cannot protect her daughter, she cannot make sure that she’s safe. 

***

_ Dear Mother _ the first letter after Christmas, after those few weeks where all they have done is spend time together, and this letter give them both hope, reassures them that there is nothing to worry about. 

 

Then there is a change, and the next letter is late, and she worries. The owl that arrives at the window is not her daughter’s, and her heart sinks. Trembling hands take the letter from the owl’s leg before it flies off. This letter breaks her heart and she collapses to the cold floor of the kitchen, tears dripping to the stone. She is a witch, and she is powerless. 

***

Finally after weeks and weeks of her daughter lying in Hogwarts, a statue, after a visit that was only allowed because she begged Professor Flitwick, a visit that was not even the full length because she had needed a Calming Draught and was escorted from the grounds, after all of the fear and the worry, a familiar owl is waiting for her in the kitchen. 

 

She drops the shopping, potatoes spilling out over the floor, eggs smashing, but she doesn’t care. She sits down at the table, taking the letter with hands that shake like the leaves on the trees in a strong breeze, and opens it.

 

_ Dear Mother, _ it begins, and she can barely read the rest, she is sobbing with relief, with happiness. Her daughter is better. 

***

At King’s Cross Station not long after, she waits anxiously, worriedly, knowing she hadn’t been able to protect her daughter when she was needed most, hadn’t been able to help, and when her daughter climbs down from the train, the trunk as big as the girl pulling it, she breathes a sigh of relief. She pulls her child into a hug, holds her close, holds her as if she might vanish at any moment, and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

* * *

 

“Be safe,” she says 3 months later, at King’s Cross Station, “write to me,” she adds, and then just as her daughter is about to climb onto the Express, she grabs her hand and pulls her into a hug, “Have an uneventful year,” she pleads, silently. Shaking her mother off, the girl slips onto the train to join her friends. 

***

The first letter arrives and it fills her with dread.  _ Everyone’s talking about it _ and  _ It makes a lot of sense _ appear often in the letters, followed by  _ Hogwarts is safe, you know that, don’t you, Mother? _ This reassurance worries her more, and she always stops herself from writing back, from saying  _ No, last year Hogwarts was the opposite of safe _ . 

***

_ Mother, something happened and nobody is quite sure what. I’m scared. _ says the most recent letter. She cries that night, spreads all the letters out and rereads them. She hopes all is well, but she cannot help. 

 

She writes back, begging her daughter to write more.  _ I love you _ features more and more in her letters to her daughter. 

***

Suddenly, everything is quiet, there aren’t any sightings, and her daughter sounds happy and unafraid in her letters. It is a joy to read about her lessons and friends and the squabbles children have. It is so very normal. 

 

And yet, a part of her worries more than ever, worries that last year was quiet as well, and everyone knows history repeats. She prays that her daughter is sensible, and safe, and not a victim. 

***

A new letter arrives, and with it comes the fear, a different fear this time, a fear that gnaws at her, as she writes more and more desperately to her daughter, begging her to stay safe. 

* * *

At Platform Nine and Three Quarters, she holds her daughter close, unable to say anything. 

The first letter in her daughter’s third year at Hogwarts comes with a rush of excitement, a hint of worry and so much anticipation and happiness that she cannot help but smile. This is who her daughter is, a child who loves and lives and who should never fear. 

***

Early November brings a new letter and, although she sees her daughter is frustrated, is angry,  _ It’s not fair, he must be cheating! _ , she begins to worry, she feels the fear creeping back, but she contains it, she ignores it as best she can, her daughter is talking about the things to look forward to and wants dating advice. She doesn’t have to hide the proud smile, and she takes pleasure in teasing her daughter in the letters. Fear has no place here, so she buries it. 

***

Christmas comes and goes, not seeing her daughter breaks her heart and the loneliness makes her worries, her fear that something could happen, worse. 

 

A letter comes almost immediately after the New Year, a letter that has her crying from the first line:  _ Mother, how do you deal with a broken heart? _ Broken hearts mend with time, with friendship, with love, but her daughter is too young to have her heart broken. 

***

The letters return to normal until June, stories of the Tournament, of teenagers being silly, of pranks and revenge and school, the Hogwarts of safe times. The letter that arrives the night before she goes to King’s Cross is written hurriedly, is messy and contains a dread sentence, a sentence that confirms everything the newspapers leave unsaid. She does not cry this time. 

 

At King’s Cross, she looks at her daughter, almost as tall as she is now, and smiles. Once they are home, sat in the living room, the child asleep on the sofa, she whispers, “I will protect you.”

* * *

 

This year the letters come less often, and are filled with mentions of the tension, the arguments, the divisions within Hogwarts, and she sees that her daughter is scared of so many different things. She cannot do anything other than offer advice, than be an ear who will always be there to listen. 

***

The letters begin to show something different after a while, a secret. There is still fear, but whatever this secret is, it hides the fear, gives her daughter is happier, and has hope, and if the price of this happiness is a secret, then she can live with that. 

***

A different kind of fear appears when the letters become shorter, she fears that her daughter is struggling, and she cannot help, cannot even offer to hold her. They are far away from each other, separated, and the secrets her daughter bares are too heavy for a child. 

***

When it all comes crashing down, a tear-stained letter, filled with crossed out phrases, written by a trembling hand, explains everything.  _ I’m sorry, Mother, please forgive me _ and  _ I know you’re angry _ are there, and yes, she is angry, but she is less angry than worried and less worried than relieved. At the end of the letter there is a question, crossed out and re-written several times. She writes back, a letter filled with reassurances and an answer  _ Yes _ and  _ Remember, I am here for you. I will always love you. _

***

Platform Nine and Three Quarters brings a meeting, and she sees her daughter happy, she smiles at her daughter’s girlfriend, invites her to dinner next week and the two girls grin at her. She gives her daughter a quick hug, and whispers, “I love you,” into her ear. 

* * *

 

There is more fear than ever, but the Hogwarts Express leaves with her daughter on it, her daughter who is right, Hogwarts is safe. She has promises from both of them to write to her regularly, from her daughter and her daughter’s girlfriend, who has spent almost the entire summer with them, so much that she is almost a second daughter. 

***

A flurry of letters from both girls announce the changes and the more-pronounced divisions. She hears of plots and conspiracies, arguments and whispered campaigns and prays for their safety. She hears of mutterings and offers and deals and fear. There is so much fear. She can only hope and send the girls assurances that they will be fine, that this will not last, they Christmas will be here sooner than they know and this will end. 

***

Nothing changes, and the tension grows worse. They are scared and all she can do is say “If you need shelter, it’s here, I will protect both of you,” because one is in more danger than the other, and she will not lose the daughter she has found so recently. 

***

One change destroys all hope they had, and as the Wizarding World weeps for one of the greatest wizards to ever live, she plots and plans, and prepares. 

 

At King’s Cross she holds both girls close, promising them safety and survival, all while hoping she isn’t proven wrong. 

* * *

 

September comes, changes happen and both girls return to Hogwarts. She reads the letters they send, both separately and together, and knows they find strength in each other, and she finds strength and hope in their love. 

***

Each letter begins with  _ Mother, I love you _ or  _ we love you _ and she holds them all close, adding to her collection, hoping and praying she will one day have no reason to fear. 

***

A letter comes with an apology,  _ They want us to stop writing letters. All of us  _ and there is a promise, to protect each other, to not give up. She cries that night, like she has not cried in years, her tears smudging the ink, the carefully neat writing. She could lose her daughter, the girl who has joined their small family and brought with her light and laughter, and if she loses these girls, she will lose herself, she knows this.

***

After only the  _ Prophet _ for help, for news, for sanity, an owl, a Hogwarts owl, is both a miracle and a mirage. She reads the letter, sinking to the stone floor and sits there, numb and unfeeling, for hours. When the fear arrives, like a tidal wave, she can bear it no more. 

***

She goes to King’s Cross and waits for them, scared and shaking, ready to flee if it is too much. She has never claimed to be brave. 

 

She stands her ground as they fall out of the train, running towards her as best they can, stumbling and tripping and off-balance. 

 

They fly into her, one reunion in so many different ones on the platform, and she separates herself from them, to properly look them over. None of these students will ever be the same again. 

 

“I love you. Both of you,” she looks from one to the other until they start fidgeting, “Never do that again,” and then she wipes away the tears, of relief and happiness, and she smiles. They smile back, her happy smiling girls who are holding hands and who are  _ still here _ . 


End file.
